Separation Anxiety FAQ’s

• How do I make drop-off go more smoothly?
• What are some tips for a quick and easy goodbye ritual?
• Should I sneak out so my child doesn’t see me leave?
• My child is clingy. Is this separation anxiety?
• What are some tips for a quick and easy goodbye ritual?
• My child is having meltdowns about me leaving. Is this normal?

Do these questions sound familiar? Here are tips to help you during drop-off:

How do I make drop-off go more smoothly?

The key to a smooth drop-off is consistency, a quick goodbye, and confidence.

• Create a Predictable Routine: Children thrive on routine. A consistent morning schedule helps them know what to expect. This can include waking up at the same time, having breakfast, and getting dressed, all leading up to the same drop-off process.
• Keep Goodbyes Short and Sweet: Long, drawn-out goodbyes often make separation harder. The longer you linger, the more stressed your child can become. A quick, confident, and loving goodbye sends the message that you trust their caregiver and that they will be okay.
• Validate Their Feelings: Acknowledge their emotions without giving in to them. You can say something like, “I know you’re feeling sad, and that’s okay. I love you, and I’ll be back after your fun day at school.” This shows that you understand their feelings but are still confident in the plan.
• Be a “Helper”: Involve your child in a small task at drop-off, like putting their lunch box in the cubby or helping to hang up their backpack. This helps them transition from “home mode” to “school mode.”

What are some tips for a quick and easy goodbye ritual?

A goodbye ritual is a powerful tool because it signals to your child that the goodbye is coming and gives them a sense of control and predictability. The ritual should be short and consistent.

• A Special Handshake: Create a unique handshake, high-five, or series of movements that you do every time.
• A “Kissing Hand” or “Hugging Heart”: A simple ritual from a classic children’s book. Kiss your child’s palm and tell them to keep it pressed to their cheek or heart for a “mommy kiss” they can feel all day.
• A Quick Phrase: A consistent, loving phrase like, “See you later, alligator!” or “I love you, you are safe, and I’ll be back!”
• A “Push Out the Door”: Some parents find that letting the child give them a gentle “push” out the door or a final wave from a window gives the child a sense of power and finality.

Should I sneak out so my child doesn’t see me leave?

No, you should never sneak out. While it may seem easier in the moment because it avoids a scene, it’s actually more damaging in the long run.

• It Errodes Trust: Sneaking out can cause a child to worry that their parent might disappear at any moment without warning. This can worsen their anxiety and make them even more clingy in the future.
• It Prevents Them from Learning: A child needs to learn that you are leaving, that it’s a temporary separation, and that you will always come back. A quick and clear goodbye teaches them this vital lesson in trust and resilience.

My child is clingy. Is this separation anxiety?

Yes, for most young children, clinginess is a normal and healthy sign of separation anxiety. It shows that your child has formed a strong, secure attachment to you.

• Typical Age: Clinginess and separation anxiety are most common between 6 and 18 months, but they can re-emerge around the age of 2 or 3, especially during times of transition like starting preschool.
• What It Means: Your child is becoming more aware of the world and their relationship to it. When you are not in sight, they are uncertain about what is happening and want the reassurance of your presence. It is a sign of healthy development, not a sign that something is wrong.

My child is having meltdowns about me leaving. Is this normal?

Yes, meltdowns at drop-off are a very normal part of separation anxiety. A meltdown is often a child’s way of expressing their intense emotions when they don’t have the words to do so.

• Why It Happens: The meltdown is a natural reaction to feeling overwhelmed, scared, or sad about the separation. They are not trying to manipulate you; they are simply struggling to cope.
• The Difference Between Normal Anxiety and a Disorder: Meltdowns and tears are normal. However, if the meltdowns are extremely intense, last for a very long time after you’ve left, and interfere with your child’s ability to participate in activities, it may be a sign of a more serious issue like Separation Anxiety Disorder. In that case, it’s best to consult with a pediatrician or child psychologist. For most children, however, the tears stop shortly after you’re gone and they are redirected by their teacher.

Remember, your child’s anxiety is a sign of a deep and loving bond and with consistent routines and confident goodbyes, this phase will pass, leading to a confident and independent Montessori child.